The Annual Review, Part 2

Image Courtesy of The-Reel-McCoy.com

What follows is the second in a two-part series to celebrate my 31st birthday. In it, I’ve sat down to discuss the last year with my guardian angel, a malakh called “M.” The opening was posted yesterday.

JE: Having faith is challenging for us. Believing something without seeing or feeling it — without some way to quantify it — is the opposite of what we understand best.

M: (sternly) Which is precisely the point of it.

JE: I know this is kind of off topic since we’ve been talking about faith, but what’s the worst sin?

M: Disobedience.

JE: Not murder?

M: Think about what you just said. The Ten Commandments lay out “the big ones,” the major offenses — all of which are meant to be obeyed. Disobedience is the root of all sin. If you want to get very technical, it’s the only one.
Everything from a white lie to homicide is turning away from His will, it’s just by degree. Most of the time people ignore small things, little instances where God intends something for them and they’re either too scared or too self-centered to follow through. Of course, it’s not the same as taking a life, but it’s a transgression nonetheless.

JE: That depends on what you mean by “taking a life.”

M: What are you getting at?

JE: Well, if we deny His commands, aren’t we taking our own life, in a manner of speaking?

M: I don’t follow.

JE: Let’s assume God, in His love, has intended tremendous blessings along His path for us. There’s still ups and downs, obviously, but He would generally shower us with abundance.

M: Fair enough. Go on.

JE: If we shrink from a task, we’re “killing” that life He’s laid out, slowly but surely. I’ve been thinking a lot about how avoiding the gifts He’s given us is pretty bad. Can you see how I link that to disobedience and sin?

M: Absolutely. That is one way to look at it, if a bit different than most would expect. Nothing frustrates me more than seeing you brush up against your purpose and then turn away from it.
Humans are phenomenal at suppressing the instinct for what He has made them to do. You all find reason after reason to avoid something big.
I can’t speak for Him, but if it were me, I’d feel pretty insulted by that.

JE: Grandma always said, “God’s plan will not take you where His grace cannot keep you” or something like that.

M: Right, but what you struggle with most — beyond the fact you’re gifted — is understanding you have to cultivate whatever He’s given you. Michael Jordan had God-given ability, yet he worked all the time to squeeze everything he could into his game. Leonardo da Vinci would have robbed the world of tremendous art if he left his ideas in his head.
It takes time and effort and consistency and desire to be what you’re made to b–

JE: The fullest expression of God as He made me. That’s something worth living for.

M: It goes way beyond that. It’s worth working and dying for. What is that for you? What sets your heart alight like that?

JE: I don’t know. I mean, I know I have something but I feel like I don’t know what it is. You must know better than anyone how much that weighs on me.

M: You bet I do. What are you looking for? What is it you’re waiting to see?

JE: A big neon sign. Something to prod me in the right direction.

M: That’s not the way it works. Faith is minimized by explicit commands. Does He use them? Sometimes. He knows — and this is very important — it takes a lot more trust to follow a hunch than a shout.

JE: My heart aches to do a good job for God, to fulfill my purpose for Him.

M: I know. How do you plan on going about making it happen?

JE: I’m making a conscious effort to hear Him, for one. I strive to emulate Jesus’ example as best I can. Honestly, that’s what motivates me, Christ is a stunning example of complete surrender to God. It’s why I love his prayer in Gethsemane so much.

M: When he asks the Father to let the cup pass from him?

JE: Exactly. He lays out his desire to go another way, then follows God’s will. I’m drawn to that. It’s very human, the only place I think he is in the whole Bible.
People seek what they want from God a lot of the time. I’m sure I do more than I even think I do. Forgiveness is great, the crucifixion humbles me more all the time, yet I’d hate to rest on it. We all struggle against our own nature, our selfish and misguided choices. Everyone wants to know there will still be someone who loves them despite all their mess ups. Who am I to say that’s wrong?
When I die, though, I want to know I’ve given all I can of this soul in the time this body affords it. I want to have been a messenger, a servant. To have made lives better. To have been a good example and helped others find their own way to fulfill the massive potential God gives each of us.

M: What stops you?

JE: Me.

M: Correct. He believes in all of you. More than you know and sometimes, I think, in a way you’re utterly unable to comprehend. He made you. He is sure you have the ability to do the job.

JE: It doesn’t seem like it sometimes.

M: Again, that’s you. You don’t believe enough in yourself.

JE: Huh?

M: Like a lot of people, you hardly think of your capabilities beyond what you can see in front of you. You want to climb a mountain, then stare at the top and say you can’t make it instead of looking at your feet to figure out the first step or two.
You may be required to scale something else first, but I guarantee you’ll find a way from that peak to the summit you wish to stand on if you allow for the journey to be something other than a straight line. You — all of you — have the tools. You, finally, have really begun to accept the fact He gives you guys a compass instead of a map.
For the longest time, I couldn’t decide if you didn’t know what you were being told to do or if you were willfully ignoring them. I know what the answer is now. It wasn’t always so obvious.

JE: What if things don’t work out?

M: They do. All the time. Not always the way you expect, but they do.

JE: I get that. What does He think of criticism, then?

M: Criticism?

JE: He must hear people complain when results don’t match up to prayers. How does that make Him feel?

M: Much of life is built on how you react. Though all of us are surprised by how people interpret events, He realizes some will see opportunities where others see doom and gloom. It’s been that way since the beginning — somebody decries what’s beyond their control, then uses it as a crutch instead of a springboard.
There will always be some who shake their fists at the rain forgetting it waters the flowers.

JE: It’s tough to accept going the opposite direction of where we want to.

M: It is. Remember the scene in Dogma where the lead character finds out she’s a distant niece to Jesus and goes running off into the woods?

JE: You seem to know that movie pretty well.

M: (shaking head) Sadly, it’s the best frame of reference I have for you. Anyway, remember how angry she is at God?

JE: Yes.

M: Do you recall what the Metatron asked her?

JE: Not at all.

M: He asked her if she could have believed him without seeing everything else first. She had to be brought to the point she could face the truth.
The script wasn’t too far off, either. For some, there’s a process of observation and evidence-gathering until you’re even slightly capable of understanding what you’re called for. You had to be broken, humiliated — even if only within the confines of your own head. A lot of people have to suffer before they can conceive of the fact nothing great gets accomplished without Him, regardless of whether any of you acknowledges the fact.
Then, after all the pruning, when you’re ready from His perspective most of you still don’t feel you are. Others accept quickly. Some, not at all.

JE: People are generally turned off by the idea following Christ means a shift into piety worthy of sainthood, I think. The stereotypical holier-than-thou Christian undermines the reality. I mean, it did for me.
Though I’ve noticed a shift in my thinking as I’ve sought to really follow Jesus — a direct result of my gratitude for God’s grace, I believe — I realize I’m still me. I still like jazz and astrophysics and Newcastle Brown Ale. I simply have incorporated faith into my decisions and, hopefully, make better ones with more consistency.
When “it” hits you, you know. I’ve been amazed at how it’s permeated everything about me.

M: Take all of that and tell the story. Imagine what it’s going to be like when you really step into what He has for you.

JE: I try to.

M: I know. It’s the best part of my day. What do you think your task is going forward?

JE: Keep studying and growing into my faith. Talk to Him. Really listen. Do my best to screw up less. Be grateful He uses my faults and failures for His glory.

M: All of those are good things. What I’d like to see out of you in the next year is new confidence in all there is within, all He blessed you with, all He has for you to do and is aligning for you. Show some courage and commitment.
God loves you and has made you to be great, to live well and joyously. Why do less?

JE: OK, I understand. Can I ask a question?

M: Go ahead.

JE: I have this theory wealth in all ways — physical, financial, spiritual — is proportional to how close we are to living on purpose. Is that true?

M: (smiling) Give it a shot and find out.
Well, we’ve come to the conclusion of your review. I have a few more questions to ask you, if you’re willing to answer them.

JE: Why wouldn’t I be?

M: They’re optional. I hate to admit it, but I really like the Proust questionnaire.

JE: The what?

M: The Proust questionnaire. You’re probably more familiar with the modified version at the end of interviews on Inside the Actor’s Studio.

JE: (rolling eyes) Are you serious?

M: It’s one of the few indulgences I’m allowed.

JE: In that case, far be it from me to deny you the pleasure.

M: Thank you. What is your favorite word?

JE: “Nebulous” or “flourish.” The first rolls off the tongue well. The second has a way of breathing life into whatever it’s describing.

M: What is your least favorite word?

JE: (thinking) Hmm. I’m having a hard time choosing just one. Most of my examples are contextual.

M: Try for me. Please.

JE: How about “orientated” or any other non-word that’s worked its way into the lexicon. People get disoriented. No one has ever been “disorientated.”

M: I see. What turns you on?

JE: Passion. It is amazing to watch someone work out of love instead of obligation.

M: What turns you off?

JE: Negativity. I seem to shut off almost immediately when I sense a string of it coming.

M: What sound or noise do you love?

JE: Joy. It’s different for each person, but distinguishable nonetheless. It’s like my soul can identify with theirs for just a moment. It’s great.

M: What sound or noise do you hate?

JE: Intolerance coupled with aggressiveness. There are few things which upset me more than people screaming loud with massive ignorance.

M: What is your favorite curse word?

JE: Dammit. It’s my default word for exasperation or disgust, primarily with myself.

M: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

JE: I’d play soccer. I doubt that answer will ever change. It’s my first love. I still dream some nights of suiting up for my favorite team.

M: What profession would you not like to do?

JE: The law, I think. Maybe collecting trash. Wait, those answers are kind of the same, huh?

M: What would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

JE: “Well done, son.”

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